TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER

It’s been quite awhile since I last posted.  For weeks, I have been fighting for services  for my mentally ill older son.  It’s a complicated bureaucratic nightmare, and I spend hours each day making calls and sending emails that are often never returned.  I have remained sober, although for the past few days, I have been thinking about alcohol around wine o’clock.  Yesterday, I had a mental fight in my mind while driving home with my surly younger son.  I kept it in my thought bubble, but it went something like this. “Alcohol… Yoga!…Alcohol!…Yoga!…Alcohol!…Yoga!…Bed!…Yoga!…Bed!…Yoga!..Food!”  After I got home and ate some much-needed dinner, I decided that a gentle restorative yoga class would be exactly what I needed.  (Big Exhale).  Don’t ya know I felt much better.  I’ve only been to AA a few times, but it was obvious that I have allowed myself to get into H.A.L.T. mode pretty often. I had all of the initials covered.

Belle has been writing about the dangers of  forgetting about your sober tools.  I’ve been shedding sober tools for a few weeks now.  Things like reading blogs, journaling for myself, writing here to stay accountable, morning meditation and prayer,etc.  I have been barreling through my life in a swirl of overwhelm.

So, tonight, I’m stopping.  I’m eating something yummy.  I’m going to read something that nourishes my spirit.  Then, I am going to bed early.  Tomorrow is a new day.

I am so grateful that I did not give in to my drinking voice.  I am strong, and I can do this life thing without booze!

 

By the way, I’m on day 70 today!

 

 

Good News Sparks Drinking Voice

On Friday, I heard news about my older son that I have been fighting and waiting for.  It has everything to do with the trauma we suffered this summer which  I’ll write about it in the future.  The point it, I received the best possible news accompanied by a very persistent and nagging desire to drink.  The good news brings with it much uncertainty about how things will work, and the “crazy” mental health bureaucracy that I need to navigate ASAP.  I immediately felt a sense of overwhelm while also feeling hopeful and happy.  It did not help that this news came in the late afternoon when I was hungry and tired.  I did not drink.  Thank God.  Again, I reminded myself that I could not accomplish anything by drinking.  Drinking would only make things more difficult.  I went straight home, ate a snack, got into my pajamas, and ate a not so healthy meal.  I did make a few phone calls to get things moving, but I focused on taking care of myself.  It worked.

Day One

I have been here many times before.  I have had quite a few day ones this year.  Last year, I went 120+ days without drinking, and I felt wonderful.  This spring and summer, I was feeling great, loving my family, planning great things, and then something horrible happened to our family.  Something unimaginable to most anyone, certainly unimaginable to me.  And yet it happened.  My world changed in 15 minutes, and it will never be the same.  The first thing I did when I was out of intensive care was drank a glass of wine in my hospital room, per my doctor’s orders.  Let’s see how this goes.

Back on the Wagon?

Things were pretty fantastic.  I was sober for 110+ days.  I was proud of myself, started another 30 day challenge, and got a bit complacent, I suppose.  School was ending, and for teachers that means countless hours of finishing projects, writing reports and packing up the room.  I was stressed out, run down and tired.  So one day, I drank.  I didn’t give it much thought.  I didn’t try to talk myself out of it.  I simply drank.  Quite a bit.  I tried not to feel guilty.  I considered it a slip and went back to being ‘dry’, but something wasn’t quite right.  I wasn’t fully committed anymore.  After about seven days of abstinence, I started drinking red wine, and have had it every day since.  About three weeks.

 

It’s time.  I don’t want to waste my summer being hungover and napping.  I want to get back to yoga, get back to feeling good, get back to life as it was unfolding.  So, at wine o’clock, I will either be at a yoga class, writing in this journal/blog, reading sober blogs, or doing something fun sans alcohol.

 

Here we go!

 

Oops. Again.

Actually, it was not an accident at all.  One night last week, I made a deliberate decision to buy a bottle of wine and drink some of it.  I did it without guilt, without self-recrimination or any regrets the next morning.  Over the next couple of days, my drinking increased each evening.  My children are away with their father this week, and I am on school vacation.  I planned that this week would be my ‘spa’ week at home.  I had acupuncture yesterday and am scheduled to have a massage today.   I intended to try out a new yoga studio, but of course, since I have been drinking I haven’t felt much like exercising.  Belle calls the evil voice to drink, “Wolfie.”  I love wolves, so I had a hard time with saying, “Fuck you, Wolfie.”  Finally, this week, while drinking a bottle of Cabernet, I had an epiphany.  (Drinking and epiphanies don’t usually go together.)  The bottle I was drinking was called,
“The Velvet Devil.”  PERFECT.  Smooth, silky, enticing and evil.  Starting over again.

Why Am I So Tired?

Beginning last summer, I went to my primary doctor with complaints of fatigue, weight gain, muscle weakness and general malaise.  Routine blood word revealed that I was perfectly healthy.  Although my liver enzymes and other markers were slightly higher than last year, everything was normal.  I told her about my drinking and she said I should try and cut down.  She told me to get more rest and decrease my stress.  Early in the fall, my GYN said that my thyroid levels were all normal and that I should get more rest and decrease my stress.  In the fall, I added Wellbutrin to my low dose of SSRI because by then I was tired down to my core.  My psychiatrist, who knows about my drinking said to moderate.  She also said to get more rest and decrease my stress.  In December, I went back to my primary doctor and insisted that she run more blood work.  All normal.  Same response.  In January, I started seeing an accupuncturist who told me that my body was completely out of balance and unable to heal itself.  After two weeks and four visits, I felt somewhat better.  Friends and coworkers could see it in my face.   Still, I was so very tired.  Two weeks ago, I went to a well-regarded endocrinologist who didn’t ask about my drinking but said that my red blood cells were slightly abnormal and that I was very low in vitamin B12, although I had been taking vitamin D and B12 supplements since the fall.  He said that he would help me get to the bottom of this, but I should get more rest and reduce my stress.

No doctor told me to quit drinking.

I’m a fairly intelligent, well-educated woman.  I know how to solve problems.  I know how to find answers.  What does a woman do with slightly odd blood results but no quick fix from doctors?  She googles them!  SURPRISE, SURPRISE!  Many of my symptoms and blood levels are caused by…  Excessive Drinking!!!

I really, really, really just want a pill that will make all of my symptoms go away.  Apparently, it doesn’t work that way.  Did I mention that I am fairly intelligent and well-educated?  DUH!  So here I am on the couch on DAY 2, determined to quit drinking even though I am scared to death.